Monday, November 22, 2010

i have nothing else better to do

i feel stupid now, ese i tell ya if suicide is not a sin , that will be the first thing i would do beside blogging when im dead bored.

so, im home, no more living in the mystery box (hostel) for a whole quality month.
(realizing myself that im free from nosy dorm mates and apparently nosy warden)
p/s: i dont hate u guys.

so cayden called "duuuudeeee, are u coming back for xmas??"
no, im not celebrating xmas this year in wellington, bcause i have HAVE hAvE HaVe HAVEEEE to take my licence. crossing my fingers that mom would get me a car. crossing my fingers again hoping mom wouldnt bollock me saying she's out of budget.

i have been caught up by so many things.

being a suffer-in-silence-kind-of-person , my mood swings. problems.troubles. come and go, neither did i try to solve it or ignore it. but just keeping it inside. having my heart monologuing.

I have issues.

I know, talk about stating the obvious. It’s what I do, I look around, see what I see and then blurt it out as though no one else can see it.

Amongst the many issues is this one: I can’t stand to be alone. Now add this one: I hate people. Man am I fucked??

Every time I think that I’ve found something that will allow me to interact with other people, it turns out that those people are as narrow minded, boring and general stupid (or more so) .

And any of you that want to tell me that I could make it work if I wanted to are simply missing the point. Of course I could behave like a complete moron and fit in with the rest of them, but that’s not what I’m looking for at all.

I know I can’t be the only one out here with posts written that will never see the light of day.
Or posts that only get to live for a few minutes until they are disappeared.
This feels like one of those…or the other, maybe.
But lately I have been suffering from some bizarre (and vicious) anger and resentment.

There is a tiny poison dart lodged in my heart, working its way in like a shard of glass, causing me to feel unhappy and aggravated and just plain ol’ MEAN.But my tiny poison dart has…well, poisoned me…in thought and word.

I’m so tired of the everlovin’ complaining and bitching and all the people who are SO WILLING AND EAGER to take offense at the tiniest (and often out-of-context!) remark…I’m tired of the whiners and badgerers and the people who try to make everyone else feel small or uneducated or ignorant simply because they think about things in a different way.
I’m sick of the “EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN OPINION…except you’re wrong. And stupid. And sort of ugly” passive-aggressive games.

get pissed when people do NOTHING BUT complain about their miserable lives…and again, they SHOULD complain if they need to (like ME, just now, O! THE IRONY!).
But sometimes I just don’t get people… I don’t get them at all. It seems they’re overwhelmed at everything, by everything, and can’t function unless they have sympathy and lots of people slavering over them all the time.
Then, it seems, they manage to function just fine & dandy.

That’s when I start thinking all The Evil stuff. Like the pain I live with daily but I don’t talk about because it is what it is and if I think about it all the time and TALK about it all the time, it hurts a lot more. Like my back that always aches like a rotten tooth and how I re-injure it frequently .
Like how I feel like a complete moron for talking about the minutiae of my daily life which DOES get quite overwhelming…because when I post about it the first thing I think is “OH SHIT, now everyone is going to feel sorry for me and pity me and IT ISN’T ABOUT THAT AT ALL”.
Stop reading now. Really. I mean it. Go do something productive, like read a book or play some WoW or or neopets.

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